Identity diffusion is a bitch, man.
So, I didn’t end up transitioning. Like, transitioning transitioning. I did heavily consider it.
Part of my journey in figuring myself out involved, of course, deconstructing gender roles and stereotypes. Late additions to the game were an autism diagnosis and making efforts to accept myself as I am (in all respects, not just gender).
Even funner news… my mom died! I don’t believe in systematic misandry (hell no), but she did get meaner and meaner as she died, and occasionally lamented, implicitly if not explicitly, that I was a guy, and that like my father, I couldn’t understand her struggles in gender dynamics. I realize now that she saw my attempts to get her help, and protect her from her decaying mind, as patriarchal and oppressive, when really they were a response to the lack of self-awareness which accompanies her disease.
Ironically, her passing opens up so many opportunities for me. I no longer have a mother I was enmeshed with for at least my first ten years to protect, or to protect myself from. I could transition much more easily, and I suppose I’ll let that thought kick around, but I think it unlikely. I guess now I’m trying to reintegrate the best parts of my old self with Jadzia, even though this is an absolute branding nightmare. On this website, I am still Jadzia, and in all realms, I prefer they/them pronouns.
I am not a gender traitor. I am not a gender traitor. I am not a gender traitor. Iamnotagendertraitor.Iamnotagendertraitoriamnotagendertraitorand I will not allow myself to look back with cringe at the times I tried to figure it out, or the times I could count on one hand where I used the women’s restroom when the men’s was unavailable. No one got hurt! But boy if the horrible, never-ending discourse about restrooms isn’t poison to my OCD. Surely, somewhere deep down, I am the evil creep the GOP would tell me I am, and if I just look hard enough, I’ll find it.* /s